The Big Picture

Sunday morning, I woke up early. I put the teapot on for my morning cup of tea, lit the fireplace and got comfortable in my oversized chair to watch dawn break.  As snow fell and daylight eventually emerged, I just sat there in peace.

It was the blissful time of day when I was so happy to be like my dad.  Early to bed, early to rise.

Eventually, I picked up my journal. That old leather bound friend that has been unintentionally put away, until I found it last week in a mover's box.  Opening its dusty pages, I flipped to the last entry and realized just how long it's been.  

June 19, 2014.

Had it really been that long? 

Apparently, so. 

This was surprising because I've faithfully kept a journal since I was 12 years old.  I've documented every boyfriend, breakup, fight with my mother, growing pain, professional success, personal loss and everything in-between on those pages. Volumes and volumes of my life's story.

Except, perhaps, the most important part.  The last 1 1/2 years.  The years that I've been challenged beyond what I ever thought possible, and unquestionably learned the most. 

Nothing.

So I opened my blog hoping that there was something three I could convert over.  Nope.  Only 8 posts in 2015 as opposed to 196 in 2010.

So I grabbed a pen, put on some light music and tried to catch up.  It was an impossible task, but after 2 1/2 hours I had made a start. 

I laughed, I cried, and I even muffled a few sobs writing about the loss of my beloved grandmother last July.  Watching her die changed my life. Forever.

And in the end....

I felt relief. I felt peace. I felt like I was back home.  Right where I belong because journaling to me is a form of meditation, reflection and release.  It's how I somehow make the puzzle pieces of my life fit together into something that resembles a larger picture.

So I'm back.

Thanks for hanging in there with me because I can't tell you how much your kind words of encouragement and support has meant throughout this entire process.  It's a benefit that I honestly never expected when I started The Daily Dose all those years ago.

But it's one I've grown to love.

A Mother's Heart

Tonight's Downton Abbey episode made me cry like a baby.

You know the part...

When Anna was talking to Mary and she said with a deep devastation, "Some people can't have babies, and I am one of them."

I understand her pain.

The next scene finds Anna crying in the servant's quarters. Alone. In the closet.

And unfortunately, I understand that too. 

Later in the episode Mary takes Anna to a specialist. The specialist explains to Anna that she has lost her previous baby due to "cervical incompetence".

And that just seems so cruel. Because I could be Anna.