Saturday, April 30, 2011

This & That...Here & There

Happy weekend!

I woke up this morning to over an inch of snow on my front lawn. Pretty funny since the HOA spent all that time mowing/landscaping yesterday...

Looks like I'll be skiing today instead of planting my flower bulbs (which I've put off for two months now, thank you Mother Nature!). At the rate we're going in Utah - the ski resorts will stay open year-round.

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Click here for my NIAW myth buster.

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You know you are jaded when you hear William and Kate's age and think, "hope they don't regret their decision to wait until their 30's to get married and start a family...."

Infertility is a fickle little foe.

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Speaking of the Royal Wedding...

What does it mean when you are faced with two channel options: more Royal Wedding Coverage or Hillbilly: The Real Story...and you chose the hillbilly story?

In my defense, it was on the history channel!


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In FET news...

After a discussion with Mr. Thompson, I decided to do the right thing and call my favorite nurse. Actually, I called because Mr. Thompson gave me an ultimatum on behalf of our kid(s) who are patiently waiting in "day care".

Confession: I was afraid to disclose the spotting/cramping situation because I don't want anything to get in the way of our FET this month. It's been a long and much anticipated wait since January and I don't want any more delays. Last month, when we went in for our ultrasound, Dr. H gave me two scenarios:

  • Light cycle and we could do FET in May.

  • Heavy cycle and we would have to wait until June/July as my body is still recovering from the OHSS (crazy, I know!). My uterine lining was really thick and a heavy flow would be nature's way of cleaning out the remnants.

Thankfully my cycle was light so we are proceeding with May but I began to worry about a setback when the spotting/cramping started this week. (Hence, the resistance to call.)

The nurse assured me that all is well and normal. I've just been on the pill longer than most so my body is having a natural reaction to it's own clock. Whew....

Crisis averted.

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Started Lupron injections yesterday and I wish you could have seen the evil glee in Mr. Thompson's eyes as he jabbed that needle in my arm.

I think that he's getting back at me for our "quality time" spent watching Oprah.



Viva la infertility Vida.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Fountain of Youth

Today I got my hair cut by a guy who had multiple piercings and a black mohawk with a big blond streak.

I instantly felt young again... until our conversation took a wrong turn...


Tyson: So, do you have kids?

Me: No.

Tyson: Why not?

Me: (Oh crap. Just laugh....)


Tyson: (Misinterpreting my laughter...starts laughing himself...but decides not to give up) Seriously, why not?

Me: (Lie!) I dunno.

Tyson: Do you want kids?

Me: (Just smile and nod!) uh-huh.

Tyson: Is your career just getting in the way?

Me: (FOR THE LOVE OF WALLY - STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!) No.

Tyson: Hum.

Me: (Thank goodness - he got the hint.)

Tyson: You seem like you'd be a good mom.

Me: (Guess he didn't get the hint.) Thanks.

Tyson: So....when do you think you'll have them?

Me: (FOR THE LOVE OF WALLY - STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!) I dunno.

Tyson: Eventually?

Me: (Just smile and nod) uh-huh.

Tyson: That's good. A family is important.


Me: (Just smile and nod) uh-huh.

Tyson: Does your husband want kids?

Me: (Just smile and nod) uh-huh.

Tyson: How old are you?

Me: (Double crap!) 37.

Tyson: No kidding?! You don't look almost 40! But if you want kids you probably better start working on it....

Me: (Did this punk just call me 40?! Just smile and nod) Uh-huh.



Seriously. That's how it went down before mohawk boy led me to the fountain of youth, where he magically washed away my "almost 40" grey. (Jury is still out on the haircut)


Punk!



Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Rain, Rain Go Away - Come Again Another Day

If you are what you eat then I'm a....Reece's Peanut Butter Cup Easter Egg.

I can't help it - It's comfort food.

Which I desperately need right now because I feel like I'm going to start my cycle...when I'm not supposed to start my cycle. No es bueno. This is not good people - this is not good. I'm scheduled to start Lupron on Friday but my last day for the pill isn't scheduled until next Friday.

Crap.

I knew I was in deep trouble when I missed that pill last Saturday (first/only time). Right now I'm trying to convince myself that I didn't just see spotting...and that I really don't feel AF coming. The cramps are just in my head.

Aunt Flow can't come until she's invited and she's not invited yet. A surprise visit could throw everything totally off.

Double crap. I think I need to eat another Reece's...and then go have a good "I don't have PMS yet!" cry.

Monday, April 25, 2011

I Would Die For That

I saw this today on a great IF blog (thanks Melissa!) and thought it was a touching song which so many of us can relate to, especially during National Infertility Awareness Week.

Don't forget...there is joy in the journey!




Sunday, April 24, 2011

Mythbusters - Just Pray About It





Did you know...

1 in 8 women and men are diagnosed with infertility. In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, April 24 - 30, RESOLVE and the infertility community are busting myths and misconceptions surrounding infertility.

This is mine:


MYTH: "Just pray about it."

BUSTED!: Oh, if only it were that simple. Don't get the wrong impression - I'm a big believer of prayer. Big. Believer. It started when I was a little girl and my cousin's goat got stuck on a rocky cliff at my grandparent's ranch. Sensing an opportunity, my mother took me to a quiet place and taught me to pray. Coincidentally...the goat didn't fall to it's death and was able to safely come off the ledge.


So I'm a big believer in prayer. Which is why this bit of infertility "advice" from the well meaning makes me so crazy.

Infertility can be heartbreaking. In a community like mine where the family is celebrated as the fundamental unit, not having children can be an especially difficult challenge. I grew up in a big family with four sisters and four brothers (plus one Indian Placement sister and one foster brother!). Procreation in the Wilson Clan has always appeared to be somewhat of an easy thing. My sister jokingly comments that she gets pregnant when my brother-in-law just looks at her. For me however, it's not so easy as that. I'll admit, as the years has passed...I've began to wonder if it is a consequence of inadequate spirituality.

Silly, I know. But I guess it's part of the "learning process". Like many people facing infertility, I often look for the reason behind the struggle and sometimes blame myself. Such thoughts and feelings can sting even more when others make well-intended but hurtful comments like "just pray about it", which are often laced with misguided beliefs.

After all, I pray. A lot...and I'm 100% sure that my lack of children is not a result of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I've sat in church many of times and have heard new mothers say things like, “God trusted me enough to bless me with this baby.”

I know why they say it...and even think that it's a fair statement and honest feeling. But in my situation without a child, I can't help but sometimes think, 'Maybe that means that God doesn’t trust me.’


I know that this couldn't be further from the truth because I have tried to live my life worthily by doing the things I know to be correct. I'm true to myself and I'm true to my faith... but that said, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that sometimes I let infertility challenge my spirituality and trust in God.

For a while, I thought that if I had enough faith, I would be "cured". But I've learned that having faith means trusting in and listening to the Lord even when we are not cured. What we want won't always match what He has planned for us...and that too, is part of the "learning process".

I recently read a quote that said, “When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren’t healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting.”

Everyone has different trials, and I'm no exception to that rule. I believe that Heavenly Father is ever aware of all of us and what we go through.. For me, I think that if I'm humble enough to follow the plan He has for me (and He does have a plan!), then I'll be happy. Through very private and personal prayer, I'll continue to seek His comfort and guidance so I can get help in making the best decisions regardless of my circumstances.

Which is why you shouldn't tell me that if I want a baby, to "just pray about it".

I already am.


(To understand infertility click here...and to get more information on NIAW click here)

Friday, April 22, 2011

Good Friday Q & A



This Friday is so....good!... so I thought I would inject Viva la Vida with a little Easter fun. Five Question Friday is coming to you thanks to Mama M. Enjoy!

(If you are new to Viva la Vida - welcome and I hope you'll become a follower. I love my peeps!)


1. What is your favorite Easter tradition?
Church. My mother always made us Easter dresses with pretty little bonnets and white gloves. I was usually the one sitting in the church pew, in my pretty little outfit, mischievously tying the sash to the wooden bench of the unfortunate lady/girl who sat in front of me. Once I even put a pencil into the bum crack of the guy because his pants were not pulled up. He tried to ruin the life of a little girl on Easter Sunday so I thought he deserved it... (guess I should have paid more attention to the Easter message)

2. Are you a "shower" or a "long, hot bath" kind of person?
Long, long, long, hot, hot, hot bath. With bubbles, soft music, and a cold glass of ice water. Nowadays it's the only thing that will help me relax at night. Thank you restless legs and infertility medicine cabinet...

3. Can you parallel park and if so when is the last time you did it?
There is no humility when it comes to parallel parking. I'm so good that I should write a manual on it. (According to Mr. Thompson it is the only thing I do well in a car). I can't help it, I perfected my skill in NYC and can proudly fit a car in a stall with only an inch to spare. Just did it today as a matter of fact....

4. What is your favorite Easter candy?
I'm game for anything with peanut butter and chocolate. And it if has a head....I'll always rip the ears off and eat the head first. Twisted...

5. Easter: do you go all out with the Easter Bunny or focus on the religious part of the holiday?
To some extent, both. We always celebrated Spring (which the bunny was a part of)....and my parents were excellent about tying in the rebirth of Spring into the resurrection message. (To be honest, the only thing I really cared about from the Easter Bunny was the jacks s/he'd bring. I never really bought into the giant bunny hopping down the road leaving gifts part...but so long as s/he'd bring me my metal jacks and a small bouncy ball....I didn't ask questions or care. At least until my dad stepped on one of my jacks in his barefeet...)


So what did we learn from this? That...I was a naughty (but cute - thank you mom!) little girl who learned to play jacks and park a car! Viva la Vida and Happy Easter.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Que Sera, Sera

Last night I went to my happy place.

I try to go there as often as I can because it's the special place were I go to meditate, pray, and get tapped into all things spiritual (for me).

Last night it was exactly what the doctor ordered. As I was there enjoying a peaceful, quiet moment I had another personal breakthrough.

Guess what folks? I'm not infertile.

I have an awesome little boy who loves me. One who I can guarantee is worth waiting for. And as I was thinking about him, I had the striking thought:

I hope that he's not disappointed in his momma. Disappointed that sometimes she wants more. Disappointed that sometimes she focuses on what she doesn't have - instead of what she does have. Disappointed that sometimes she focuses on what she "lost" instead of what she gained. Honestly, as I was thinking about that it made me feel a little ashamed.

It also lifted a ton of bricks off of my shoulders. Secretly (sometimes not-so-secretly), I've been freaking out about this upcoming transfer. What if it doesn't work? What if it does? What if I'm on bed rest for the entire pregnancy like they say? What if my body fails me again? What if that stitch in my cervix doesn't hold? What if I go into preterm labor again? What if they embryos don't make it out of the thaw? What if they don't stick?

What if...?

What if...?

What if...?

Last night as my thoughts turned to Colton I was able to surrender those fears. It was like he was saying, "hey mom, what about me?!" and I was reminded (again) that he is, quite simply, enough. So I can lay my head on my pillow each night knowing that I've done my very best. I've followed where I've been led, I've tried to keep the faith and I've fought a good fight. With that...

Que sera, sera. Whatever will be - will be.

No matter what, I've already met my goal. I'm a mom.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Joy In The Journey

Road trips with my dad are about as good as it can get for me. Since I was a little girl we've been travel buddies. It didn't matter if it was a jaunt to the feed store when I was four....or a trip across the USA when I was thirty-four. There is something special about hanging out with my dad in a car.


It's where we have historically had our best conversations.


On a trip to Golconda, Nevada he once convinced me that I needed to break up with a no-good boy in high school. I mistakenly thought it was love but he knew there was more.

In college I tagged along on a delivery to Sun Valley, Idaho where forced me to write down my 1 year, 5 year, and 10 year goals. After that, I moved to New York City.


Seven years (and a few moves) later, he came to fetch me and my belongings for a drive back across the US. This is when I really got to know my dad and his life's story. It was the best four days of my life.


So last week when my dad told me he was driving 16 hours to California I jumped at the chance to go with him. There were many highlights but among them was the "petting zoo" in Scipio, Utah.


Petting zoo? Scipio, Utah?


That's right. There are only two things in this "town". One we expected - the other we did not. As my dad was filling up our gas tank at this one stop gas station....he looked over and in a bewildered voice said, "is that a zebra?!"


Yes, yes it was. Among an ostrich, wart hog, peacock, rooster, lama, and midget pony. We laughed for 400 miles over that find.


The next 400 miles we planned our funerals and laughed even harder. Dad wants to be stuffed and sent to my sister's house so she can talk his ear off and rub "Lu-Lu Juice" on his head. (Lu Lu Juice is a weird concoction of her secret oils. Don't ask.)


The next 400 miles we talked about cancer and infertility (among other things).


...and it was during those miles that I learned that part of the challenge in life is about finding joy in the journey. Sometimes life throws us curve balls regardless of our circumstance. I didn't expect infertility or infant loss... like my dad didn't expect prostate cancer. But neither are going to get us down or hold us back. We all have to deal with our challenges, whatever they may be, the very best we can. We have to relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family.


Most especially on road trips.


Viva la Vida!


Saturday, April 16, 2011

Postcard


Ahhhhhh........ Right now I am in sunny San Diego watching the sunset with my dad and favorite little brother. I think it may be snowing/raining at home.


Life is good.



Thursday, April 14, 2011

Grovel, Grovel

Keep your words soft and tender because tomorrow you may have to eat them.



~Author Unknown


Today I had a meltdown that put Fukashima to shame. It happened on my dear husband's shoulder... and as I was walking away trying to appear like I hadn't just bawled my eyes out, I said to myself, "self: I hope your dear husband doesn't read what you wrote on your blog yesterday!"

Oh the shame.

Which is making me eat crow and take back the the "why don't you go give a sample" hex I tried to put on him. Instead I need to replace my witchcraft with an apology of the highest order. After all, this is once in a lifetime kind of love.

Proof:

Today I got a bit of a surprise which sent me into a meltdown. The billing department called me and told me it was going to be another $3,500 to get our kids out of daycare. Thankfully, I made it to Mr. Thompson's office before the floodgates opened. Then open they did with an epic meltdown of...

Wails.

Sobs.

Snot.

Hiccups.

Alligator tears pouring down my face.

...and a surprised husband who simply put his arms tightly around me and whispered in my ear that everything is going to be okay.

I wasn't so sure about that...because we've been on this journey for a while and a deal is a deal. This isn't our first rodeo and our deal when we started this round of IVF was that this was going to be our last.

No. Exceptions.

We have a friend who has been through IVF 6 times. Six! Without insurance. They've mortgaged their house - twice. They are up to their neck in debt. The financial stress on their marriage and family is to the breaking point. Literally.

And while we want a family more than anything....we promised each other that we weren't going to be that couple. We'll do everything within our power and then turn the rest over to God.

For us, "everything within our power" consists of living within our means which is important to us. Living within our means allowed for one last round of IVF. Not two. This is one of the reasons I was so disappointed that we weren't able to finish our round in January (stupid hyper stimulation!). I was worried about what it would mean.

So when the billing lady broke the news to me today that costs were even higher than we anticipated...and that my insurance is maxed out(plus some)...I knew that this was the end of the road for me. After all, a deal is a deal.

But my Mister...he's a practical man. So while I was sobbing he was whispering in my ear that everything is going to be okay because...well...he's a planner. Thankfully, he's also a saver of the highest order.

So as he was comforting me and telling me how he is going to save Christmas...I was wiping snot all over his clean shirt and apologizing for all the times that I've called him a "tightwad". Or made him feel guilty for not "letting" me spend the money "I" make. I believe that I've thrown around the words "you're so tight you squeak" more than a few times...and I'm not even going to mention the temper tantrum that I threw in the aisle of Kohls yesterday after he questioned whether I was really going to die if I didn't get to buy those cute shoes I really "needed".

Oh the irony that it was that very episode which made me mad enough to write that "go give a sample" post last night.

I take it ALL back. On bended knee. With a heart full of love.

...and a prayer that our baby(ies) will get cute dimples and deep pockets from their dad. After all, he has the very best genes/jeans between the two of us.

(Dear Rollercoaster: Please be over.)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Love and War

Y'all know that I love my mister. Right?! I do. The once in a lifetime kind of love.

But...

Today he made me so flippin' mad that I actually said to myself,"self: too bad that husband of yours doesn't have to go "ahem" in a cup!"

It's true. I wished some embarrassment on him. Some serious embarrassment. Infertility style.

(But don't ask me what he did to deserve this witchcraft...because I can't exactly remember.)

I just know that in my mind it warranted the walk of shame that every man has to make as he goes to the execution chamber.

And then it dawned on me that you officially know you've been infertile too long when you start wishing semen analysis on your husband as a form of punishment.

That's just wrong.

(yet so appropriate sometimes in love and war...)


Monday, April 11, 2011

A Pill A Day... Keeps The Husband Away

It's just not natural for me to be taking birth control. For some funny reason, this IVF round my body is revolting against it.

It makes me feel sick.

And ornery.

Bloated.

But determined.

Every time I take that little white pill the irony amazes me. I sigh (and occasionally laugh) thinking of all precious money, time and effort that we as women spend trying to prevent pregnancy... when we probably should have already been seeking help to get there.

So if it takes making me into a sick, ornery, big girl just to "quiet" my ovaries so that we can ultimately gain control of them... so be it! Only twenty-five more days of that uncomfortable daily dose and then the games will officially begin (again)!

I can't wait.

(and neither, by the way, can Mr. Thompson!)

Saturday, April 9, 2011

My Almost Demise

I'm back.

and I don't even know where to start...

So we'll start with where we left off - Mr. Thompson's idea to cheer our spirits in sunny Moab, Utah. Think "guy goes out to the middle of nowhere without telling anyone... falls in a hole while hiking... rock crushes arm... cuts it off with a dull pocketknife... drinks his own urine to survive... lives long enough to write a book and make a movie".

That's Moab.

Rather, that's the no man's land that Mr. Thompson decided to take me and Lil' A (step daughter) to about 2 hours outside of Moab.

I'm not even going to tell you how we got there. Except to say that "what goes up" to Hurrah Pass at 4,780 feet elevation "must go down"... and the decending ATV trail that we were trying to drive our SUV on was called "Chicken Corners" for a reason. Normal people are too chicken to drive so they get out and walk.

That would be me.

Note: a frickin' rock slab is not a "road" or even a "trail"! I had no idea my husband was so extreme. Lil'A and I quickly learned the full extent when we eventually made it to our destination.

To "the hogan".


Which is owned (well, actually I'm not too sure of that) by a really weird guy and his African Tortoise. I'm not kidding. Strange things were brewing in the outback. Example: the weird guy hikes his tortoise up to 10 miles a day. Up rocks and down rocks. I saw it with my own eyes.


Weird guy also dances around a campfire at night beating on drums. I saw that too.

I was 100% sure that we weren't going to come home because of an unfortunate demise in our sleep. Unfortunatly, nobody would have found us because at the top of Hurrah Pass I asked Mr. Thompson if he was smart enough to tell anyone where we were going.

His answer was "no".

So we stayed in our Hogan (where Lil' A found a bandits mask hanging from a nail on the wall -I kid you not!) and we hiked a lot. Looking for dinosaur tracks. And petroglyphs. And graves from the previous Hogan visitors that the weird man had killed and buried in the middle of no man's land.


Our beloved dog almost became the first casualty of war. I was out hiking and looking for dinosaur tracks with Lil' A when that stupid dog fell off a red rock cliff...

and dropped about 40 feet.

Into a rock crevice that she disappeared into.

So with Lil' A crying....and me screaming at the top of my echoing lungs for Mr. Thompson who was far-far away sleeping in the "I've got a bad feeling about this" Hogan... we had to hike down to try and save our dog who had disappeared to the center of the earth.

Thankfully the dumb dog lived.



But I lost my "camping" privileges.

And with that I won a harrowing trip back to Moab a day early, before the weird guy and his turtle could kill us....where we stayed in a hotel and hit all the tourist attractions like normal people who visit national parklands.


It was awesome.



Saturday, April 2, 2011

You Are My Sunshine

Grey's Anatomy traumatized me on Thursday night. Not the singing part (although I'm still not sure how I feel about it...). Rather, it was the birth of that 23 week old baby.

It reminded me of another tiny 24-week baby who came into my life three years ago tomorrow.

So Mr. Thompson in all of his loveliness decided that he's going to take me to sunny Moab, Utah to enjoy a weekend in the sun. After all, it's the sun that makes the flowers grow.

...and it's the sun that perks them up when they are a little wilted.

While I'm gone I hope that you enjoy a poem that my sweet niece wrote for our memorial service. Like the sun, it helps me grow.

...and also helps me heal.


Silent Footprints
By Elena.Wilson (my 10 year old niece)

You never had the chance to play,
To play, to laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now,
And listen to you giggle.

Aunt J will always be your mother,
and Aaron be your dad.
You will always be their child,
The child they never had.

But now you're gone...but yet you're here.
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy,
There is love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong,
We will forget you never.
The child they had, but never had,
And yet will have forever.



 
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